


Another Pack of Post-it Notes

by Lexipen



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Eventual Happy Ending, F/F, Fix-It, Fluff and Angst, Panic Attacks, Post-Episode: Revolution of the Daleks, thasmin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-07
Updated: 2021-01-07
Packaged: 2021-03-18 03:27:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28611324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lexipen/pseuds/Lexipen
Summary: “Why didn’t you have a choice? You literally have a time machine Doctor. Maybe learn to fly it properly and you might have more people by your side than just me right now.”
Relationships: The Doctor/Yasmin Khan, Thirteenth Doctor/Yasmin Khan
Comments: 2
Kudos: 66





	Another Pack of Post-it Notes

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER: I don’t own anything. Don’t sue me! 
> 
> Another fix-it fic post Revolution of the Darleks.
> 
> Also to fix my sad heart after the episode. 
> 
> I know I’ve not completed my previous work but I’ve had no motivation to write after a hard year. This has helped get the juices flowing and I will finish it at some point!
> 
> This has no beta and all mistakes are mine. Probably made after too much wine ;) 
> 
> Anyway, always love to hear your thoughts. 
> 
> Big love, Lex x

10 months. 10 months of mining deep into the ‘crazy’ corners of the web for any hint of unexplained activity that could lead to her. 10 months of taking secret aeronautical courses, trying to find anything that could give her a clue to how these damn buttons and levers work. _10 months_ of suspended grief.

Graham and Ryan had given up around 6 months ago and began to move on with their lives. Yaz didn’t blame them. They had tried at the start. Helped her sift and plot and nodded along to her next big plan even though she could tell that they thought it was futile.

They’d also tried to prepare her for the worst in case her efforts resulted in a conclusion that Yaz didn’t dare to even consider. The boys had tried to coax her out of the unfamiliar Tardis that she’d be squatting in since they landed back from Gallifrey.They’d bring her lunch knowing she’d not even thought about food for days and sometimes nudge her towards the shower. Yaz knew that they were concerned for her mental well-being but she just couldn’t pack in that easily. No. She’d have slept on the floor of that cold and lifeless ship, living off instant coffee and shop-bought sandwiches for the rest of time itself as long as there was hope.

Hope her doctor was still in the universe and needing someone. Needing _her_.

But it all got too much and slowly, Graham and Ryan started to turn up less, having to return to their jobs, old friends and commitments, needing to regain some sense of normality. _What even was her normal anymore?_

It wasn’t that easy for Yaz to just carry on. Graham and Ryan had each other as a support system to talk about all this stuff with. They’d been through a lot since meeting the Doctor and although they’d loved saving the universe, Yaz knew they didn’t have the same sentiment that she did.

She was immensely proud of them both for getting to this point. Their relationship had grown and blossomed into something strong and binding after a rocky start. But Yaz didn’t have that. Her family always had her back but she couldn’t exactly tell them about this, could she. They’d think she was proper mental.

She’d taken the first few months off work, using up the stack of annual leave she’d accrued over the last couple of years when policing was her heart and soul. Something, or someone else, occupied that place now. The drive just wasn’t there anymore, tunnel vision clouded her mind and she couldn’t give the public the attention they deserved so she’d just quit. Yaz wasn’t surprised when her boss didn’t even bat an eyelid as she slid her resignation across her desk. They were probably glad to be rid of her after all of the sick days she’d taken.

Yaz never told her parents. They’d be so disappointed and then worried at how she was so easily throwing away a career that she’d worked so hard for, and was once incredibly passionate about. So each day, she’d get up in time for her usual shift, throw on her old uniform, eat breakfast with her mum and sneak off to the inconspicuous house on the next street. It was exhausting living a lie, and the guilt she felt plastering on a fake smile to her dad and telling him about her day giving parking tickets to disgruntled drivers that didn’t exist. Her mum was harder to convince.

The Doctors absence was more than noticeable. Her biscuit jar hadn’t been touched in months and Yaz walked round with a solemn look on her face when she thought no one was looking. Najia had asked her daughter where the Doctor had disappeared to, and Yaz had told her she’d gone travelling for a while. She didn’t buy it. She just hoped Yaz didn’t slip back into the same horrible place she was in back in her teens and checked in with her as often as Yaz would allow.

Sonya could definitely sense something was up too. She’d had no sarky remarks from Yaz even when she poked and prodded at her for being dumped off her weird “girlfriend.” Just a glare and a slam of a door. She’d followed her once to the house early one Saturday morning when Yaz was meant to be off work and knocked relentlessly on the door. Yaz obviously couldn’t let her in so she’d leaned out of the window and told her that she was seeing someone, begged her not to tell her parents yet and she’d talk to her about it later. Later never came and Yaz avoided her sister altogether. They’d hardly spoken two words to each other in the past weeks and that was hard, but Yaz felt it was necessary. She promised herself she’d fix it once this was over. If it was ever over.

Funds were also running low, her savings empty and her credit cards were all maxed out. If something didn’t give soon, she’d be out of resources and excuses. Time was not on her side. Ironic really.

So when Ryan and Graham turned up with the patchy video of the Darleks and that bloody smug Robinson bloke, Yaz felt a slither of hope in place of fear. It was something, she’d thought. Maybe, just _maybe_ , she could use the Darleks to take flight into the universe. Steal their ship and hope that the controls were less boggling. Maybe she’d just let them take her and figure it out later. It’s better than nothing right? Saving her own planet and herself took a back seat for a second and that’s what scared her the most. Something she boxed away in a dark corner of her mind to unpack another time.

What Yaz didn’t expect was to be sat in Graham and Ryan’s living room, tearing open another pack of Post-it notes, when she heard that all familiar whirring. For a moment she thought she’d finally lost it, started hallucinating, and was projecting her utter desperation into her own sad reality. Until she saw her.

All smiles, perfect hair and big gesticulations, greeting them like the last year of the dark hell she’d existed in didn’t happen. Yaz had never felt relief and anger at the same time before. Burning hot red rage that made her hands tremble and her whole body sweat with it. The sensation of slowly drowning, her eyes blackening at the edges, chest constricting and almost accepting her fate, to suddenly breaking through the surface and taking a long-awaited breath.

She shoved her. Hard.

She should be fucking _elated_ , running into her arms and holding on tight. But that feeling never came and she were fuming. How dare she put them, put her, through all of that for her to just pop up out of the blue, laughing and joking with Jack. Ryan halted her impending explosion and reminded them that they had the small problem of the Darleks to deal with. This little reunion party would have to wait.

The conversation with Jack almost brought Yaz to her knees. She could feel the sadness and abandonment in his wise eyes, a mirror into her future. But it offered her some sense of comfort. She clearly wasn’t alone in her feelings, unsurprising really when the Doctor was the best person she’d ever met. Of course, she’d have the same immeasurable impact on everyone she meets. He’d picked up on it in mere minutes though. _Was it really that obvious and did the doctor know too?_ Again, Darleks. It’d all have to wait.

The Darleks were gone along with her 10 months of failed work. But they were gone and so were Graham and Ryan and here she was, left in silence, holding hands with the Doctor staring at the door of the Tardis. Yaz finally was able to take her in properly at that moment. Her sharper cheekbones, the dark circles under her eyes, the way her coat hung loosely on her much smaller frame. _What had happened in that prison? How long was she there for?_

“It’s ok to be sad.”

“I could go back, turn up an hour after... Have more time with them.”

“Doctor, what’s done is done. It’ll get better, I’m still-“

“I could change the timelines... I could-”

“Doctor, you know you can’t do that, it’ll mess everything up. You always said that the rules were-“

“But everyone has gone...”

Yaz couldn’t take it anymore. The rage was bubbling to the surface and she just couldn’t bottle it.

“Am I not enough? In case you haven’t noticed I’m still here Doctor! After watching you go off on a suicide mission, shove me away after I begged you, fucking begged you, and still have you turn your back on me! I’m still here.” Yaz sobbed.

“After months and months of searching, living in that useless, unresponsive, tin can of a Tardis, and giving up everything to try to find out what happened to you, and you can’t even look me in the eye!” Yaz turned to face her, hand trembling in the doctors but she got nothing back, so she continued.

“Yes, it’s sad the boys have decided to leave, but you’ll see them again, you know you’ll see them again. I thought you were dead Doctor! But I couldn’t even grieve without truly knowing. I didn’t give up. I’m still here. I am always here! Always.” She felt deflated and utterly unappreciated.

The Doctor didn’t take her eyes off the door when she spoke.

“I didn’t ask you to do that Yaz. I’ve told you before that this won’t last forever and sometimes I have to make decisions you won’t like. I’m sorry for making you feel that way but I didn’t have a choice did I! And as I recall, you shoved me pretty hard today, you can’t have missed me that much! Welcome back, Doctor!” There was a wicked sarcastic edge to the Doctors tone that riled Yaz even further. Enough was enough.

“You deserved it! You just flounce along with no thought to how your actions affect anyone else! Prison can’t have been that hard when you turn up laughing about it! Or is that you putting a face on again? Not being truthful, not trusting us with your feelings when we put all of our trust in you!” The Doctor rolled her eyes to the ceiling and snorted, but didn’t reply.

Yaz couldn’t believe her indifference.

“Why didn’t you have a choice? You literally have a time machine Doctor. Maybe learn to fly it properly and you might have more people by your side than just me right now.” Yaz regretted the harsh words as soon as they left her mouth.

The Doctor finally looked at her, face void of all emotion for once.

“Leave then.”

“What?”

“I said leave. Go. If there’s one thing that I had a chance to reflect on in all that time I was locked up was that this can’t last. Travelling with humans. It always ends in despair, tragedy or both. I’ve been too selfish to really acknowledge it before now but I can’t take this anymore. I’m better off alone, so please, Yaz. Just go.”

Yaz roughly pulled her hand away from the Doctors and fell to her knees.

She couldn’t breathe. Her head was swimming with sadness and insecurity and hopelessness. The anger dissipated and the feeling of drowning replaced it. She was suddenly sobbing, vision reduced to wet blurs and struggling to get air into her lungs. Hands gripping tightly to the rough, cold metal floor of what was once a place she considered home, trying to anchor herself. It was no use.

Her grip slipped and she felt herself falling, succumbing to the depths of grief, too exhausted to push herself back up. She barely registered her soft landing.

“Yaz. Yaz! You’re okay. Please try to breathe with me, come on. Here, can you feel that? Count them, one, two, one, two, one, two. That’s it. Focus on that, I’m here. I’m so sorry, you’re okay. I’m so so sorry Yaz.”

The Doctor didn’t anticipate this reaction at all and only just caught Yaz before her head hit the console. She cradled her to her chest and placed her hands against her two sad hearts to try to ground her. She could feel the woman’s tears soaking through her shirts as her body shook violently, hyperventilating. The Doctor could feel the final cracks in her emotional armour breaking.

“Please. Count with me. One, two. One, two. You’re okay Yaz. You’ll be okay. Come on, one, two. Please breathe for me Yaz. I _need_ you to breath for me.”

Yaz felt the fast but strong beats under her fingertips and started to slowly get her breath back but the tears kept falling. Her body and soul finally succumbing to the stress of the last year. The heat of the fight had left her and now she just felt numb. Her limbs felt like lead and her head was full of dark fog that made her feel disoriented. She tried to pull away from the Doctor. She needed to get away from this. Get away from her.

Shoving at the Doctor for the second time today, she hauled herself away and willed herself to stand. It was fruitless and as she backwards stumbled upon the steps of the console, a wave of nausea hit her. The faint glow of the Tardis was the last thing she recalled before the darkness took hold.

* * *

When Yaz awoke she was in her bedroom on the Tardis wrapped in her satin green sheets, still wearing her leather jacket and boots. Her mouth felt like cotton and her eyes were heavy and sore. As the haze started to lift, Yaz realised she wasn’t alone.

“I’m sorry.”

The Doctor dropped her gaze from the spot on the wall she was staring at and leapt from the armchair towards the bed. She looked Yaz square in the eye for the first time that day. Her eyes were puffy and her face showed remnants of tear tracks. The Doctor looked guilty and almost desperate.

“What are you sorry for Yaz? None of this was your fault. I should be apologising, I had no idea that it’d been that long for you. Honestly, I’d have never have left you that long on purpose. Promise.” The Doctor inhaled a shuddering breathe and placed her hand on top of Yaz’s.

“I know it must have been hard Yaz. I didn’t mean what I said, sometimes I get angry and can’t stop myself and then I say stupid things and upset people and I’ve not had much social interaction for the last few decades so I’m a bit rusty at all the feely stuff, not that I was great at it anyway, one thing I’m not great at and I’m usually brilliant at everything but I -“

Yaz cut her off mid-rant, although it was soothing to listen to her ramble and watch her wildly gesticulate after such a long time. She needed to get this out.

“No Doctor, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for shoving you when all you probably wanted was a hug or at least some excitement on our part for your return. I was being selfish, I was so wrapped up in my own...” _she wanted to say grief, but felt she didn’t deserve it at this moment. Did she also just say decades?_ “...disbelief that I just didn’t think.” Her eyes became glassy and she held on to the Doctors hand a little bit tighter.

“I don’t think either of us were thinking straight Yaz. It’s been a tough few... a tough time for us both. I’m not blind. I saw all those notes on the spare Tardis. I saw that old ratty sleeping bag on the floor and the Tupperware boxes of half-eaten terrible pakora.” Yaz half smiled at that.

“We need to talk about the rest, I mean it. But of course, I knew what you’d done for me and I’m eternally grateful. I really, really am Yaz. I were just hurting. I care for you more than you can imagine.”

Yaz tried not to read into those last few words too much. She wanted to declare her feelings for the Doctor. She just couldn’t face her reaction then have to leave.

“I hope ya can forgive me, someday Doctor. I really am so happy you’re back and in one piece. I missed you so so much. But I’ll respect your decision and be on my way.”

Her voice caught on the last word and she could feel another sob trying to break free. As Yaz unravelled herself out of the duvet and made to stand, she felt a strong calloused hand grab her wrist and pull her back down onto the bed into what could only be described as a bear hug. Yaz could feel the Doctors shaky exhale dancing across the top of her hair as she squeezed her close.

“No Yaz. Stay. I didn’t mean what I said and there’s nothing to forgive. I want to be selfish. Humans, you, are magnificent and there honestly wouldn’t be a universe without you lot. Like I’ve told you before, there definitely wouldn’t be a universe with no Yaz. Not for me, anyway.”

Yaz leaned into the embrace until there was no space between their bodies and she could smell the Doctors freshly washed hair. The scent of her strawberry shampoo that the Doctor once told her she’d tried in a milkshake and would not recommend.

“You’re not selfish Doctor. A wise man once told me that there’s no joy without pain. I think that’s something we both need to work at. There’s nothing more I want than to be back by your side, travelling the universe, saving planets and whole galaxies. I know the end will come and it’ll hurt. It’ll hurt like hell. But I’m not ready to let you go just yet, Doctor.”

The Doctor let out a long sigh of relief and thanked her lucky stars that all was not lost. This remarkable, funny, kind and brilliant human-being wanted to stay by her side.

They still had a lot to talk about and a lot of healing to do, but Yaz was here, like always.

“I’m not ready to let you go either Yasmin Khan.”

The Doctor placed a light kiss atop her head and softly thumbed the hand in hers.

_I don’t think I’ll ever be._


End file.
